There. I said it. Yes, I want money, and I’m not too proud to admit it. Call me greedy if you want. I can take it. A very wise man once said, “Greed is good. Greed works.” OK, so it was actually Michael Douglas in Wall Street, but I would consider him wise. Anyone who marries Catherine Zeta-Jones at his age has got to have a few brain cells up there.
What do all those sayings have in common? Right, you never hear a poor person saying them. Rich people say that all the time. Why is that? I’ll tell you why. Because they know the truth and they don’t want the rest of us to find out. Money does make you happy, it’s not evil, and it’s good to have a lot of money. If you have a lot of money, your bills are paid. You’re not constantly worrying about how to pay ComEd or Comcast. We had an Internet outage over the weekend, and our first reaction was, “But I swear we paid the bill already!” Same thing goes for the electricity, gas, whatever. If you have money, it’s less stressful because you already know who to blame: the stupid power company, not your lack of money.
When you have money, you have peace of mind and no worries. You’re not obsessing over retirement. You’re already retired! You’ve got loads of cash in the bank and you can do what you want, where you want, with whom you want. Hey, that beach on TV looks nice, let’s go there right now! The Cubs are in the playoffs and tickets are $1,000 apiece? Let’s go, let me grab my jacket.
My son is graduating high school in a couple of days. (Ah ha, now we know why you’re stressing out about money.) Yes, now it’s time to pay for college. If you have a lot of money, it doesn’t matter. Sure, you want to go to Harvard? Where’s my checkbook? Oh, you didn’t have good enough grades for Harvard? That’s OK, I’m sure they could use a new library; where’s my checkbook? (I’m just kidding, of course. My son wants to go to Georgetown.)
So the question is, where do I get all that money? Well, I kinda missed out on that Microsoft IPO back in the 80s, so I need to have a Plan B. Or in my case, Plan L, as in “lottery.” I assume that those are real, actual people at those press conferences, so somebody has to be winning those mega jackpots, right? Why not me? I’ll tell you why. Because those idiots at the lottery are stupid. They keep picking the wrong numbers every single time! I play the correct numbers twice a week, and nothing! I don’t care if Linda Kohlmeyer is really hot, she’s an imbecile! How can she smile like that while simultaneously ripping my dreams to shreds? Can I sue them for gross negligence and incompetence?
Oh hey, as long as you’re here, how about clicking on one of those banner ads you see on the right? I’m sure that it’s displaying something interesting right now, and if you click the arrows up and down it will display something else equally interesting.
Where was I? Oh yeah, how to get money. I suppose I could go the whole “hard work and sacrifice” route, but that hasn’t paid off yet. Too bad I was born at the end of the Baby Boomer generation and not a little later, then I could be a whiney Gen-Xer and demand everything for nothing. Money for nothing and chicks for free, indeed.
Did that banner just change? No? Are you sure? Maybe you’d better click on it just to be sure.
We’ve even tried writing. We have a couple of screenplays for sale, and a couple of books out there too. This book is really cool. Whisper Alley and if you like it (and have several million dollars lying around) the screenplay is available to be optioned. The wife has a self-help book at Amazon too (The Portable Coach: A Do-It-Yourself Approach to Personal Coaching)
Somebody told me that if you click on the banner 10 times, a picture of Catherine Zeta-Jones in a bikini appears. Try it and let me know if it works.
I suppose I could answer one of those emails I got saying that I won the British Lottery (funny, I don’t even remember entering) or the one from the kind old widow who just wants to leave me her fortune to carry on “God’s work.” Or maybe that one from the long lost relative that I never heard of, whose jeep overturned in Nigeria. Again, that seems like an awful lot of fuss to go through just for a measly $27 million. I think I’ll hold out for at least $50 million.
I don’t know, I’m pretty much out of ideas. I’ll keep thinking, and meanwhile you go ahead and click on one of those banners. I’ll be here when you get back.
"Money can’t buy happiness."
"The best things in life are free."
"Money is the root of all evil."
What do all those sayings have in common? Right, you never hear a poor person saying them. Rich people say that all the time. Why is that? I’ll tell you why. Because they know the truth and they don’t want the rest of us to find out. Money does make you happy, it’s not evil, and it’s good to have a lot of money. If you have a lot of money, your bills are paid. You’re not constantly worrying about how to pay ComEd or Comcast. We had an Internet outage over the weekend, and our first reaction was, “But I swear we paid the bill already!” Same thing goes for the electricity, gas, whatever. If you have money, it’s less stressful because you already know who to blame: the stupid power company, not your lack of money.
When you have money, you have peace of mind and no worries. You’re not obsessing over retirement. You’re already retired! You’ve got loads of cash in the bank and you can do what you want, where you want, with whom you want. Hey, that beach on TV looks nice, let’s go there right now! The Cubs are in the playoffs and tickets are $1,000 apiece? Let’s go, let me grab my jacket.
My son is graduating high school in a couple of days. (Ah ha, now we know why you’re stressing out about money.) Yes, now it’s time to pay for college. If you have a lot of money, it doesn’t matter. Sure, you want to go to Harvard? Where’s my checkbook? Oh, you didn’t have good enough grades for Harvard? That’s OK, I’m sure they could use a new library; where’s my checkbook? (I’m just kidding, of course. My son wants to go to Georgetown.)
So the question is, where do I get all that money? Well, I kinda missed out on that Microsoft IPO back in the 80s, so I need to have a Plan B. Or in my case, Plan L, as in “lottery.” I assume that those are real, actual people at those press conferences, so somebody has to be winning those mega jackpots, right? Why not me? I’ll tell you why. Because those idiots at the lottery are stupid. They keep picking the wrong numbers every single time! I play the correct numbers twice a week, and nothing! I don’t care if Linda Kohlmeyer is really hot, she’s an imbecile! How can she smile like that while simultaneously ripping my dreams to shreds? Can I sue them for gross negligence and incompetence?
Oh hey, as long as you’re here, how about clicking on one of those banner ads you see on the right? I’m sure that it’s displaying something interesting right now, and if you click the arrows up and down it will display something else equally interesting.
Where was I? Oh yeah, how to get money. I suppose I could go the whole “hard work and sacrifice” route, but that hasn’t paid off yet. Too bad I was born at the end of the Baby Boomer generation and not a little later, then I could be a whiney Gen-Xer and demand everything for nothing. Money for nothing and chicks for free, indeed.
Did that banner just change? No? Are you sure? Maybe you’d better click on it just to be sure.
We’ve even tried writing. We have a couple of screenplays for sale, and a couple of books out there too. This book is really cool. Whisper Alley and if you like it (and have several million dollars lying around) the screenplay is available to be optioned. The wife has a self-help book at Amazon too (The Portable Coach: A Do-It-Yourself Approach to Personal Coaching)
Somebody told me that if you click on the banner 10 times, a picture of Catherine Zeta-Jones in a bikini appears. Try it and let me know if it works.
I suppose I could answer one of those emails I got saying that I won the British Lottery (funny, I don’t even remember entering) or the one from the kind old widow who just wants to leave me her fortune to carry on “God’s work.” Or maybe that one from the long lost relative that I never heard of, whose jeep overturned in Nigeria. Again, that seems like an awful lot of fuss to go through just for a measly $27 million. I think I’ll hold out for at least $50 million.
I don’t know, I’m pretty much out of ideas. I’ll keep thinking, and meanwhile you go ahead and click on one of those banners. I’ll be here when you get back.
1 comment:
Hey man, a guy in Spain raffled off his condo.
You don't need a house, right? I'm sure your son would let you bunk with him.
Figure all you need to do is sell 250,000 raffle tickets at $20 a pop and you've got a cool half mil.
Minus my 60% commission, of course!
;p
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