A Greenpeace of My Mind

Today is May 27, 2008. Memorial Day weekend has come and gone, and the temperature in downtown Chicago today was around 45. I work on Michigan Ave., near the John Hancock building. We’re pretty close to the lake, and my office building is on the corner of Walton and Michigan. I’ve been told that Walton is the windiest street in Chicago. Today (like most days) I believe it. The wind had to be gusting close to 40 mph on Walton. When you factor in the wind chill, that’s not exactly May 27th weather, now is it? (Wait a minute; wind chill in May?)

Let’s put it this way: if the Phoenix Lander had missed the polar ice of Mars, gotten lost, and landed in Chicago, we wouldn’t have known the difference until the camera went online. And even then, the people back at JPL in California would have said, “Hey, look! Olympus Mons looks just like the Sears Tower!”

My point, of course, is that today was absolutely not the day for the Greenpeace-niks to harass me on the street. They stand out there every day; about 20 years old, fresh-faced and thinking that they’re making a big difference in the world. In reality, what they’re really doing is pissing me off. I’m minding my own business, trying to get to work or catch my bus or grab a bite to eat at noontime, when one of them blocks my way and asks, “Do you care about the environment?”

How am I supposed to answer that? Of course I care about the environment. I recycle, I own an E85 car, and I take public transportation to and from work. Even as I type this, I’m sitting on the Metra train, on my way home. Of course I care about the environment. If I said no, I’d really look like a jerk, wouldn’t I? I usually just say yes and keep walking. I know that their goal is to get me to stop and talk and sign their petition.

Once I looked at the Greenpeace-nik and said, “Sure I care about the environment. My job is all done digitally. I don’t use any paper at all. That petition you have there and those brochures you’re handing out. Are you proud of yourself for killing all those trees?” Yeah, that shut him up. Made me feel real good for about five seconds until the guilt set in. Damn him for looking so innocent. I swear I saw his lip tremble and tears well up.

So today when he asked me, “Do you care about the environment?” I was in no mood. I said, “Actually, I’m ready for some of that global warming! Tell Al Gore to send some of it over here, OK?” (Where is Big Al anyway? Ever since he picked up his Nobel prize and his 7-figure check, I haven’t heard a lot out of him.)

Of course, if I hadn’t been in a hurry to catch my bus down to the train station (public transportation, lowering my carbon footprint, remember?), the Greenpeace-nik would have been happy to explain to me that it’s not really “Global Warming,” it’s actually “Global Climate Change.” At least that’s what my daughter says. She’s the hippie flower-child throwback of the family. Wears tie-dye shirts, listens to the Beatles. She’s a vegetarian, too. My god, she’s one of them.

But I’ve noticed that they didn’t start saying “Global Climate Change” until we started getting cold weather all of a sudden. A scientist in Russia said that we were actually starting to enter another Ice Age, and the Global Warming people said, “Well, of course it’s going to get colder.” But I thought it was warming? No, they said, it’s “climate change.” Oh, so global warming makes it hotter and makes it cooler too? Yes, global warming makes it cold. Because since humans have started burning fossil fuels, the temperature of the Earth has gone up one degree. And that’s why it’s cold. Oh, OK, thanks for explaining that.

Meanwhile, I’m shivering out on Michigan Ave. because I refuse to take my Bears coat back out of the closet. I don’t have many fashion rules, but one is that you don’t wear winter coats after Memorial Day. Maybe Al can lend me a sweater.