Hail to the Bus Driver

Don’t you love it when it feels like it’s Tuesday, but it’s really Wednesday? Only two more days until the weekend. I love Monday holidays!

Oh yeah, right, grumpy. Give me a minute to get in character.

It’s after Memorial Day, which means that the summer driving season is upon us. According to the news, Chicago has the highest gasoline prices in the nation. Wow, big shock there. Gas is well over $4.00 per gallon everywhere now, and it’s only going to go up higher. They’re saying that it’ll be over $5.00 by the 4th of July. Also, as part of the deal to avert the latest “doomsday,” the wonderful idiot governor of Illinois struck a deal to let everyone over 65 ride the CTA, Metra, and Pace buses for free. Put that all together, and we’re seeing a lot more people riding public transportation.

So, whether you’re just starting out or if you’ve been riding the trains and buses for years, here are some tips to keep yourself from being soundly beaten by your fellow passengers (especially if you’re on my bus).

• Be Prepared – like the old Boy Scout motto, have your fare ready and act like you've done this before (because you have, about a million times). Here comes the bus, get in line! Yes, you! Stop looking at the new Victoria’s Secret window display. Have some consideration for your fellow passengers. The rest of us planned ahead and were here five minutes ago to allow extra time to check out the 10 foot high photo of the hot redhead in the bra and panties. (Well, at least some of us…ahem…)
  
  There’s one guy who gets on at the Erie Street stop. Every single day he gets on the #125 Water Tower Express and stands there. Then he slowwwwwly pulls out his wallet, gets out his pass, shoves it in the bus driver’s face (like three inches from his/her eye), then slowwwwwly puts it back in his wallet and even more slowwwwwly walks to his seat. (He actually takes up two seats, but who’s counting? Well, to be honest, I’m counting.) Dude! Have the damn pass out and ready to show! We’re trying to catch our train down at Ogilvie, OK?
  
  
• Ladies first – It pains me to have to even mention this. Were you all brought up by wolves or something? No, I guess not, because I’m pretty sure that wolves have manners. Every day I see the same thing: There’s always this guy in a suit, looking important, apparently doing a corporate takeover with his Blackberry. (Note: I’m sure I’ll devote a separate column to those stupid things later.) He’s got his briefcase taking up the seat next to him, and there are several ladies standing in the aisle. What a jerk. His suit is probably off the rack, too.
  
  Now I don’t claim to be perfect, far from it. But I was taught to stand for a lady. I have a bad knee, and I’m still recovering from a partially torn Achilles tendon. To be honest, between my knee and my foot I’m in pain pretty much all the time now. But don’t tell my wife, because she’ll tell me go back to the doctor. (I know what you’re thinking; doesn’t she read your blog? Yes, but I thought of that. I’m going to tell her that this one is really boring and she should skip it.) My point is that even when I’m on crutches or a cane, I still stand up and give my seat to a lady. Surely the healthy 20-something yuppie can afford to put down that damn PDA and stand up for a few minutes.
  
  
• Know Where You’re Going – The bus driver is a bus driver. He is not the Bureau of Travel and Tourism. He is not Google Maps, and he is not the RTA Trip Planner. He is the bus driver. Stop asking him directions! While you are asking him, “Which bus do I take to get to Millennium Park?” the light just turned red. Now we have to wait through another cycle, and we’re going to miss our shot at catching an earlier train home. Thanks a lot. Hey! You see that thing right behind you? It’s called a shelter. Most of the bus stops have one, especially the ones in the city. You see that big thing on the wall of it? The thing that reads, “CTA Bus and Rail Map?” If you look closely, you’ll see that it’s a map! Read it! You want to know how to get to Millennium Park? Read the map!
  
  
• Know the Difference between Front and Back – It’s really very simple. Maybe too simple, perhaps that’s what is confusing you. You get on the bus in the front, and you exit the bus via the rear door. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen someone walk all the way from the back of the bus, past the rear door, and get off the bus in the front. Meanwhile, the people who want to board the bus (and cannot legally board the bus through the rear door, for obvious reasons) have to wait. Meanwhile – you guessed it – the light just changed and we have to wait through another cycle, so we’re not going to make that train. Thanks again. Between you and the “Does this bus go to Randolph Street?” guy we’re never going to make that train.
  
  
• Voices Carry – It seems as though everyone has a cell phone now, even little kids. But let’s keep in mind that we are all in a small place, packed in like sardines. I don’t want to hear the blow-by-blow details (no pun intended, I think) of your one-night stand last night and how drunk you were. My cell phone only comes out once in a great while. If I’m on a different train than my normal train (probably because someone had to wait for someone else to exit in the front so they could ask the bus driver for directions) then I make a quick call so my family knows when to pick me up. That’s it. That’s enough. And please remember that speaking a foreign language does not make you exempt. Just because we don’t understand you doesn’t mean we can’t hear you. Pipe down or power down.
  

Try to keep these helpful tips in mind as you take advantage of public transportation, and remember to smile at your fellow travelers. Perhaps you could strike up a conversation with them. Brighten their day.

Oh, right, right, grumpy. I keep forgetting. Scratch that. Don’t smile. Grr.