The 2008 Charles Awards

Welcome to the 2008 Charles Awards for Romantic Idiocy. These awards are given to the men who, against all logic, have split from the super hotties they were fortunate enough to marry or date. This award is, of course, named for Charles, the Prince of Wales. Charles is proof positive that men are idiots. Dumping Princess Diana for Camilla Parker Bowles is the height of idiocy. I know what you’re thinking, looks aren’t everything. Sure. You’re probably the same person who said, “Money doesn’t buy happiness” yesterday, aren’t you? On with the awards.

Oh, by the way, I refuse to say, “First Annual Charles Awards.” Don’t say “first annual” anything. That’s just more proof that you’re an idiot (and if you’re a guy, you don’t need any help proving you're an idiot).

Billy Joel – Billy, I’ve got three words for you: Christie freakin’ Brinkley. What exactly were you thinking? You look like a little troll who has lost his bridge; you’re short, fat, and bald. You were lucky enough to land her. Every straight guy in America (myself included) drooled over her swimsuit pictures, and you were the one who won her heart by writing her a song. That certainly gave me, a budding musician and less-than-attractive piano man, hope. And then you threw it all away. Did you think you could do better? You certainly haven’t done any better since, and I’m not sure that would be possible anyway. Every time I see her infomercial with Chuck Norris, I laugh at your expense.

Hugh Grant – This guy demonstrates that no matter how “charmingly befuddled” you look on the screen (blatant Family Guy reference), you’re still an idiot. Let’s recap. You have Elizabeth Hurley waiting for you at home, and instead you choose a $20 streetwalker? In case you didn’t catch that the first time, Elizabeth Hurley. Have you seen her lately? Have you seen her at all? I’d like to know the thought process behind choosing Ms. Devine Brown over Liz Hurley. What, you couldn’t wait a few days until you were heading back that way? Oh, by the way, you are both millionaires! I think either or both of you could have afforded airfare to get together. But no, you gave up Grade A Top Choice for the Extra Value Menu.

Mutt Lange – The newest award winner is the total imbecile who blew it with Shania Twain. A guy who got his nickname the old fashioned way: he earned it. No, they don’t call you Mutt for your charming personality. Shania Twain, possibly the hottest woman in the Milky Way galaxy (I have not visited Andromeda or the Magellanic Clouds, so I can’t speak for them) graciously allowed you to share her life. And then you go and sleep with her best friend? It’s not even like she was out on tour or anything. She took time off just to have your children and be with you. I almost renamed these the Mutt Lange awards just for that.

David Copperfield – What part of Claudia Schiffer did you not understand? Do you have any idea how many guys out there would kill for a supermodel? And not just an airhead blonde supermodel, either. When she was discovered, she was planning to go to law school! Law school! She is a knockout babe and she has a brain! She was not an illusion, David. She was real. You were not supposed to make her vanish. Now our respect for you has disappeared as well.

Vince Vaughn – Vince, you’re my guy, you’re my homey. You have a condo in the Palmolive building across the street from my office, and I’m hoping that I’ll run into you one of these days to show you the totally awesome screenplay that you would be perfect for. (It’s called Countdown and it’s a thriller set in Chicago. If you or any other production company wants to talk option, drop me a line.) But Vince, dude, you’re an idiot. Jennifer Aniston is such a sweetie, how could you break up with her? What exactly were you smoking, and why didn’t you share? You know, you’re not exactly Brad Pitt, either.

Brad Pitt (honorable mention) – He, on the other hand, is Brad Pitt. I know what you’re thinking. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie, either one would be a good choice. But Brad still qualifies for idiocy. On the one hand, you’ve got cutie-pie girl-next-door Jennifer, with the sweet face and surprisingly nice body. On the other hand you’ve got Creepzilla, with the Billy Bob blood and the “I want to adopt a child from every country.” No contest. To quote the last surviving knight, “He chose…poorly.”

That’s it for the first installment of the Charles Awards. There are plenty more out there, and I will have another list soon.